Hot Sauce Gift Set Heats Up the Crazy Conch's 4th of July

     Nobody loves an excuse to party like the Crazy Conch, and he usually heads up any holiday in style. The problem is he’s usually in a daze from his latest trip to Duval Street in Key West, so every now and then he has an embarrassing mix-up. Well, that was the case just this weekend. Invited by the queens of Key West to celebrate the 4th of July at the Bourbon Street Pub, the Crazy Conch prepped himself for a doozie of a party. He scrubbed his barnacles and shined his shoes. He then gave himself a sand-eatin' grin in the mirror, just makin' sure his stuff was up to snuff. Knowing the queens like a little flair,  he put on his red velvet robe, grabbed his pipe, and tucked a handkerchief in his breast pocket...beads of sweat are never far from the brow of someone as hot as the Crazy Conch. 

     Never one to show up to a party without an entourage, he summoned his lovely ladies of the night. In perfect harmony with the event of the night, they showed up bikini-clad in stars and stripes. Three blondes in blue star-studded attire, three brunettes in silky red satin, and three redheads in glittering white. All with legs a mile long and heels just as sexy.  Arm in arm, they accompanied the cool Crazy Conch to his pearl white classic limo and got on their way to the Bourbon Street Pub. 

     Just like any celebrity with rock star status, the Crazy Conch's limo had a fully stocked bar. And a Jacuzzi. And a disco ball with lights. The soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever blazing on the Bose, he and his ladies started sipping on some Dom Perignon to kick off the night. Before long the windows were down, the sunroof was open, and bare arms were waving wildly at the stars. Bikini strings were coming loose and the Crazy Conch was getting looser. They were quickly gearing up for a wild and crazy July 4th party just ahead. The limo slid up to the Duval Street sidewalk, and a discreet valet opened the door. Smoke wafted up and out of the space as shapely legs extended one after the other to set foot on their next stage. Out came the Crazy Conch, the top of his shell a little ruffled, adjusting his lounging robe. Things were really about to heat up.

     Lovely starred and striped ladies in tow, the Conch eased up to the entrance of the pub, and disrobed, handing his velvet cover-up to the coat check gal. He was in Key West, about to celebrate with the city's fabulous queens, so why not do it with flair? In typical shocking fashion, he revealed his brawny hard shell, clothed only at the point, in the tiniest American flag thong. The doors to the Bourbon Street Pub swung open as if in expectance of such a grand entrance...Silence ensued. Then shrieks! Not the normal hedonist shrieks of joy he was used to hearing. Women in plaid skirts and polos scurried, grabbing their infants by the hand. Then the red white and blue banner fell from the rafters, tearing at each grommet attaching it. As it fell, he read "Welcome to the Young Republican Mother's July 4th Cook-Off." Barely escaping another scathing mix-up, the Crazy Conch left the bottles of hot sauce he was holding in desperation for forgiveness, grabbed his lovely ladies, and left a trail of steam as he turned for the limo. Don't get caught with your pants down the next time you are invited to a party...show up with a Florida Keys Hot Sauce gift set.